The other night me and my friend discussed the phrases one says on a regular basis. I was surprised at how limited my response was. So I thought I would write a commentary on the proper usage of my favorite verbal pastimes. I have compiled a list of phrases that categorically sum up many of my life experiences thus far.


1) Are you Serious/You can't be serious?

2) Please, tell me WHY!?!

3) Who are YOU!?! No, seriously?

4) Whaaaat!?!?

5) Relax. Relate. Release.


1) Now, the first phrase can be used on a multiple of circumstances. Often as a result of hearing something profound, or more specifically, effed up, this phrase can set a moment of silence between the messenger and the receiver. As one fully takes on the new information/gossip/tirade/drama, an "Are you seeeerious?!?" has proven to be the most logical response. I have used this phrase at least twice a day since I was five and have found that a "Pretty fuckin much," usually follows.


2) Why ask Why? Because it is in human nature toquestion. Inquiring minds seriously want to know. If a girl or guy is wearing a busted ass outfit, wouldn't you want to know why? "Can someone please tell me WHY they decide to leave the house lookin like the Grinch Who Stole X-mas? I'm sorry, but Yo momma lied to you when she said you looked good in that green shirt." Often times though, I have found my self asking this question in times when there is no substantial answer. For example, if I'm in traffic and someone decides to drive like Miss Freakin Daisy, I ask, to no one in particular, "Please tell me WHY you have chosen to drive like you are 97 and blind." Usually though, they are about 97, but still. The question is asked. If I break a nail, I ask "Why?" If my car decides to not want to run today, I recant a resounding, "WHY!" When I paid one meeelion dollars for gas this morning, I screamed, "WHY?!?!?" When President Bush was re-elected, "Please tell me why..." I generally cut straight to the "Why" of a situation, without regard to someone please telling me. Sometimes there just isn't the time.


3) This one is not used as often as it is, for me at least, a confrontational remark. When someone decides to cross me, I ask, as many of you do, "Who are yoooou?" Sort of like a "Who do you think YOU are," type deal. Some people seriously think they are "somebody" and thus act accordingly. It is a shame though, for more often then not, they really aren't anyone. Most specifically, anyone to be acting a way towards me. Sometimes, I ask this question to girls who think their shit dont stink. Like, to the girl who rolled her eyes at me when I was pumping my gas this morning, "You aint Britney! This aint Candyland and shit aint sweet, so who the fuck are YOU to be rolling YOUR eyes at ME?!?!." Like I said earlier, however, this one isn't used unless necessary. Drama can arise from people who may be delusional in their thinking. For all i know, that girl could have thought she was Britney Spears. Be careful. You don't want your friends using the, "Are you serious!?!" on yo ass.


4) Next is one that is used if the situation is serious enough that an "Are you serious," isn't sufficient. One says, "Whaaaat?!?" when a super drama has been relayed or has occurred before your very own eyes.The drama is quite relative to ones situation, but nonetheless, if one resorts to the "Whaaaat?!," you better recognize the circumstances are dire. This phrase I have been using the longest and I have found it to be my favorite. I tend to say "Whaaaat?!!? at almost any instance. But I am a rare find. The length of the "Whaaat?!?" is in direct correlation to direness of the drama. If it is hard core, the "Whaaaat?!!?" can extend for some period of time. I have set the record at 8 seconds. This may seem short, but try it. Say "Whaaaaaat??!" for 8 seconds.

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1



Pretty flippin serious if ya ask me.


5) This last one is what is said after the initial shock has died down of whatever dramaful event transpired. It is also said if someone has been saying "Whaaaat?!?" for an ungodly length of time. They really need to breathe. It is at this point one calmly holds them by the shoulders and states, "Relax. Relate. Release." It has a Zen like aura and forces one to focus outside of the drama, i.e. Relax: Chill out, Relate: Become one with the drama, and finally, Release: Fuck that shit. It has surprising accuracy in its ability to enable one to regulate a sit-chee-ation.


I have been known to combine these phrases in what I like to call post-drama babble. It consists of a "WhaaaaatAreYouEffingSeriousWHY!!!" followed by my own utterance of the Zen. It is quite a scene to see.


I know there are many other phrases I say on a daily basis, but these are ones that are the most universal, fun to say and talk about, and sometimes even experience.