The other day I was walking through the grocery store minding my own damn business when I found myself in the snack food aisle. Now, one may ask how one "finds" themselves in the snack food aisle for there are no lack of signs posted throughout the store indicating where certain food groups are, but, whatever. That day, I somehow did a "Toucan Sam" and followed my nose right into a bag of magical Lay's potato chips. Magical you may say? Yes. Magical indeed.
Now, in my heroic quest towards looking sexy on New Years potato chips are strictly off limits. And when I say strictly, I mean, don't even look at the bag lest you gain 15lbs. I know, it's hard core, but man, looking fly when the ball drops is my life-force at this moment. LIFE-FORCE I tell you!
Anyways, as I paced up and down the aisles the dilectable array of flavorful chips was profound! There's sour cream, sour cream and cheddar, barbeque, baked barbeque, ones with ripples, ones without ripples, ones with waves, ones without waves, kettle cooked sea salted, unsalted, lightly salted, sea salted with black pepper…..
I died a small death looking at the many splendors. How was I to choose? As my eyes glazed in culinary glory, I snapped to. "What am I even thinking?" I said to myself. "it will be here before I know it!" I turned to leave the aisle, knowing that it was for the best. As soon as I hit the Cheetos, however, something glimmered. I glanced back and my eyes befell a new brand of Lay's entitled "Jalepeno." But wait. Not only were they "Jalepeno" They were "Kettle Cooked."
I know, people. I know. *shaking my head*
"Are you serious?" I said to myself. I slowly walked towards the sparkly aura. "Are the potato gods out to harm me in my pursuit of New Years?" I thought for one moment of a minute and rationed to myself, "Well, they are Jalepeno flavored chips and, well, they say spice is the spice of life... right? Could this be a sign from the heavens?"
So, as Britney would grab a pair of scissors at the salon, as did I grab that bag of "Jalepeno Kettle Cooked" potato chips. Holding it ever so gently, I caressed the label as one would a small child. Many potato chip connoisseurs will have you know, this is mandatory in the acquisition of a bag of potato chips; one doesn't want a bag full of crumbs. I contemplated the caloric impact the bag would have on my body and remembered their old motto, "One cannot eat just one." I thought for another moment and said, "I got this! I can eat one and be straight. They don't know me!" So, off to the register and home I went with my new found joy in my hand.
Placing the bag on the kitchen counter with the intentions of opening it the following day, I plopped in front of my television. I told myself I would have one (okay maybe a handful) of chips a day. I would pace myself so that I would not eat the bag in a week, but maybe in two.
Well, let me tell you, that bag had a mind of its own. It came to life I tell you! Somehow, someway, it managed to maneuver its little baggy self into my hand. I'm telling you, it must have been some divine intervention that allowed that mystical bag into my hand - opened. "What can one do?" I shrugged and continued with precisely ONE handful of potato chips. I was watching "Real Housewives of Atlanta" and all was right with the world.
Around 3am I woke up slightly disheveled. Not remembering much of the evening, I arose from the couch and heard crunching sounds. I peered upon my chest only to find crumbs scattered about my blouse. Each move I made resulted in a corresponding "CRUNCH!!" I quickly stood up, and I kid you not, no less than eight potato chips fell onto the floor. In a panic I searched for the bag. "Where did it go?" I questioned. On my hands and knees I frantically looked under the table sweeping from left to right. To my horror lay an empty bag. That bag my friends, was that of my mystical "Jalepeno Kettle Cooked" Lay's.
"Are. You. Serious?" I whispered.
That bag of Lay's filled with its potato treasures and Latin magical spices had somehow became a shell of its former self. The resulting affect of which being my crunch covered and bloated body sprawled on the couch in what appeared to be potato induced coma.
"Whaaaat have I dooooone! Noooooo!!! Blasphemy to you Potato Gods! Blasphemy!!" I screamed, my hands flailing in the air.
The power of the Lay's had taken over. My friends, when they say, "You cannot eat just one" believe that mess. Lay's tells you no lies. As one would believe the health warnings on prescription medication, head the warnings of Lay's "Jalepeno Kettle Cooked" potato chips lest you wake up crunch covered and lookin like who done it and why.
You can find me chained to the treadmill for the next week. Thanks.
Now, in my heroic quest towards looking sexy on New Years potato chips are strictly off limits. And when I say strictly, I mean, don't even look at the bag lest you gain 15lbs. I know, it's hard core, but man, looking fly when the ball drops is my life-force at this moment. LIFE-FORCE I tell you!
Anyways, as I paced up and down the aisles the dilectable array of flavorful chips was profound! There's sour cream, sour cream and cheddar, barbeque, baked barbeque, ones with ripples, ones without ripples, ones with waves, ones without waves, kettle cooked sea salted, unsalted, lightly salted, sea salted with black pepper…..
I died a small death looking at the many splendors. How was I to choose? As my eyes glazed in culinary glory, I snapped to. "What am I even thinking?" I said to myself. "it will be here before I know it!" I turned to leave the aisle, knowing that it was for the best. As soon as I hit the Cheetos, however, something glimmered. I glanced back and my eyes befell a new brand of Lay's entitled "Jalepeno." But wait. Not only were they "Jalepeno" They were "Kettle Cooked."
I know, people. I know. *shaking my head*
"Are you serious?" I said to myself. I slowly walked towards the sparkly aura. "Are the potato gods out to harm me in my pursuit of New Years?" I thought for one moment of a minute and rationed to myself, "Well, they are Jalepeno flavored chips and, well, they say spice is the spice of life... right? Could this be a sign from the heavens?"
So, as Britney would grab a pair of scissors at the salon, as did I grab that bag of "Jalepeno Kettle Cooked" potato chips. Holding it ever so gently, I caressed the label as one would a small child. Many potato chip connoisseurs will have you know, this is mandatory in the acquisition of a bag of potato chips; one doesn't want a bag full of crumbs. I contemplated the caloric impact the bag would have on my body and remembered their old motto, "One cannot eat just one." I thought for another moment and said, "I got this! I can eat one and be straight. They don't know me!" So, off to the register and home I went with my new found joy in my hand.
Placing the bag on the kitchen counter with the intentions of opening it the following day, I plopped in front of my television. I told myself I would have one (okay maybe a handful) of chips a day. I would pace myself so that I would not eat the bag in a week, but maybe in two.
Well, let me tell you, that bag had a mind of its own. It came to life I tell you! Somehow, someway, it managed to maneuver its little baggy self into my hand. I'm telling you, it must have been some divine intervention that allowed that mystical bag into my hand - opened. "What can one do?" I shrugged and continued with precisely ONE handful of potato chips. I was watching "Real Housewives of Atlanta" and all was right with the world.
Around 3am I woke up slightly disheveled. Not remembering much of the evening, I arose from the couch and heard crunching sounds. I peered upon my chest only to find crumbs scattered about my blouse. Each move I made resulted in a corresponding "CRUNCH!!" I quickly stood up, and I kid you not, no less than eight potato chips fell onto the floor. In a panic I searched for the bag. "Where did it go?" I questioned. On my hands and knees I frantically looked under the table sweeping from left to right. To my horror lay an empty bag. That bag my friends, was that of my mystical "Jalepeno Kettle Cooked" Lay's.
"Are. You. Serious?" I whispered.
That bag of Lay's filled with its potato treasures and Latin magical spices had somehow became a shell of its former self. The resulting affect of which being my crunch covered and bloated body sprawled on the couch in what appeared to be potato induced coma.
"Whaaaat have I dooooone! Noooooo!!! Blasphemy to you Potato Gods! Blasphemy!!" I screamed, my hands flailing in the air.
The power of the Lay's had taken over. My friends, when they say, "You cannot eat just one" believe that mess. Lay's tells you no lies. As one would believe the health warnings on prescription medication, head the warnings of Lay's "Jalepeno Kettle Cooked" potato chips lest you wake up crunch covered and lookin like who done it and why.
You can find me chained to the treadmill for the next week. Thanks.
posted by SerenityNow at
11:06 AM
2 Comments
