Thursday, June 29, 2006

The other night me and my friend discussed the phrases one says on a regular basis. I was surprised at how limited my response was. So I thought I would write a commentary on the proper usage of my favorite verbal pastimes. I have compiled a list of phrases that categorically sum up many of my life experiences thus far.

1) Are you Serious/You can't be serious?

2) Please, tell me WHY!?!

3) Who are YOU!?! No, seriously?

4) Whaaaat!?!?

5) Relax. Relate. Release.

1) Now, the first phrase can be used on a multiple of circumstances. Often as a result of hearing something profound, or more specifically, effed up, this phrase can set a moment of silence between the messenger and the receiver. As one fully takes on the new information/gossip/tirade/drama, an "Are you seeeerious?!?" has proven to be the most logical response. I have used this phrase at least twice a day since I was five and have found that a "Pretty fuckin much," usually follows.

2) Why ask Why? Because it is in human nature toquestion. Inquiring minds seriously want to know. If a girl or guy is wearing a busted ass outfit, wouldn't you want to know why? "Can someone please tell me WHY they decide to leave the house lookin like the Grinch Who Stole X-mas? I'm sorry, but Yo momma lied to you when she said you looked good in that green shirt." Often times though, I have found my self asking this question in times when there is no substantial answer. For example, if I'm in traffic and someone decides to drive like Miss Freakin Daisy, I ask, to no one in particular, "Please tell me WHY you have chosen to drive like you are 97 and blind." Usually though, they are about 97, but still. The question is asked. If I break a nail, I ask "Why?" If my car decides to not want to run today, I recant a resounding, "WHY!" When I paid one meeelion dollars for gas this morning, I screamed, "WHY?!?!?" When President Bush was re-elected, "Please tell me why..." I generally cut straight to the "Why" of a situation, without regard to someone please telling me. Sometimes there just isn't the time.

3) This one is not used as often as it is, for me at least, a confrontational remark. When someone decides to cross me, I ask, as many of you do, "Who are yoooou?" Sort of like a "Who do you think YOU are," type deal. Some people seriously think they are "somebody" and thus act accordingly. It is a shame though, for more often then not, they really aren't anyone. Most specifically, anyone to be acting a way towards me. Sometimes, I ask this question to girls who think their shit dont stink. Like, to the girl who rolled her eyes at me when I was pumping my gas this morning, "You aint Britney! This aint Candyland and shit aint sweet, so who the fuck are YOU to be rolling YOUR eyes at ME?!?!." Like I said earlier, however, this one isn't used unless necessary. Drama can arise from people who may be delusional in their thinking. For all i know, that girl could have thought she was Britney Spears. Be careful. You don't want your friends using the, "Are you serious!?!" on yo ass.

4) Next is one that is used if the situation is serious enough that an "Are you serious," isn't sufficient. One says, "Whaaaat?!?" when a super drama has been relayed or has occurred before your very own eyes.The drama is quite relative to ones situation, but nonetheless, if one resorts to the "Whaaaat?!," you better recognize the circumstances are dire. This phrase I have been using the longest and I have found it to be my favorite. I tend to say "Whaaaat?!!? at almost any instance. But I am a rare find. The length of the "Whaaat?!?" is in direct correlation to direness of the drama. If it is hard core, the "Whaaaat?!!?" can extend for some period of time. I have set the record at 8 seconds. This may seem short, but try it. Say "Whaaaaaat??!" for 8 seconds.









Pretty flippin serious if ya ask me.

5) This last one is what is said after the initial shock has died down of whatever dramaful event transpired. It is also said if someone has been saying "Whaaaat?!?" for an ungodly length of time. They really need to breathe. It is at this point one calmly holds them by the shoulders and states, "Relax. Relate. Release." It has a Zen like aura and forces one to focus outside of the drama, i.e. Relax: Chill out, Relate: Become one with the drama, and finally, Release: Fuck that shit. It has surprising accuracy in its ability to enable one to regulate a sit-chee-ation.

I have been known to combine these phrases in what I like to call post-drama babble. It consists of a "WhaaaaatAreYouEffingSeriousWHY!!!" followed by my own utterance of the Zen. It is quite a scene to see.

I know there are many other phrases I say on a daily basis, but these are ones that are the most universal, fun to say and talk about, and sometimes even experience.

Monday, June 26, 2006


I'm in my room chillin like a villain and the following commercial comes on:

T.V: "My friends, when you sit down, do you have the sudden urge to get back up? If so, then maybe you have Restless Leg Syndrome."

Me: "WTF?!?!? Hahaha!!! Restless. Leg. Syndrome. You're kidding right? One minute your legs are chillin and BAM they get restless??? Good lord, the world is on crack, lol!"

T.V.: "No, we are not on crack. Your legs are restless and you need to buy this drug."

"Hahaha, whatever dude."

T.V. (hypnotically) "Your leeeeeeegs are getting reeeessstlessss."

Me: "Ha..... waaaait, you know what? I kind of do have a sudden urge to get up right now. OMG! My legs are feeling kinda weeeeird...."

Aaaaand Scene.

I am sort of a hypochondriac when it comes to my health and I recently saw this commercial and tripped out. At first, I thought I was watching a Saturday Night Live parody or something off of Dave Chapelle. I couldn't stop laughing!! I kept thinking back to that one Chapelle show skit where he couldn't sleep and his wife gave him this bucket of ribs instead of sleeping pills. lol! It was hilarious and this commercial just seemed too crazy to have any validity. But then, I started to think, do I have Restless Leg Syndrome?!?!?

Luckily, I snapped out of it and realized what had just happened. I became a victim of the "hard sell." Big Pharma is oh so good at this marketing ploy. I went online and searched for information partly because I couldn't believe there was an actual disease of this sort and also because I'm, well, a hypochondriatic freak. Turns out, the commercial is for real. Google it if you must. And no, I don't have this retarded ass disease. It got me thinking though, there really is a drug for everything nowadays and they market to people(like me) who freak out and think they need to buy it.

And the sad thing is, there really are people out there who are going buy it. They aren't freaking, but KIRKING out and believe they have this crazy ass leg disease when maybe all they really needed to do was "get up" and take a crap or something. Like, when you sit down and have a sudden urge to "get back up" it could be ANYTHING! Maybe ADHD? Was the phone ringing? I don't know. They could have at least named it something more medical sounding. Like, Appendage Dysfunction Syndrome. (A.D.S. for short.) I am really waiting for these pharmaceutical companies to say, "Do you breathe? If so, you may have a problem. Studies have shown that 9 out of 10 people breathe too much. Holla at your doctor then holla at this drug."

Okay, this could very well be a viable disease in which people suffer from (I did do some research, btw). I do believe that pharmaceutical companies make many drugs that help those in need. But, I also believe that these companies have underlying objectives whenever they release a new drug. These are big businesses we are talking about and with big business comes big money and even bigger marketing schemes.

I am not much of a conspiracy theorist (okay, well, maybe I am a little) but I have been a little suspicious of drug companies and their real motives in helping the sick. Ever since the Merk scandal with Vioxx, I've been doing double takes with every medication commercial that comes on the television. These corporations are out to make money and maybe one way is to "create" new diseases or ailments which will perpetuate the market into purchasing their drugs. I know what you guys may be thinking. "Creating" a disease? This chick is crazy. No bitches. It's called pedalling paranoia or "niche" marketing. Google. Thanks.

If you think about it, Ritalin and Adderal are basically legalized crack. BUT it is also crack that is helping those who may need it. Vioxx was intended to help those with arthritic problems and Zoloft helps those with depression. BUT Vioxx = heartattack and Zoloft = suicide. Oh, the tangled cracked-out web we weave.

I'm no doctor, so I really have no idea what I'm talking about. Really, I dont. I just wonder sometimes if curing a disease is as profitable as perpetuating one. In this instance, one could essentially compare Big Pharma to Big Tobacco. They both use insane marketing techniques which are often criticized for their lack of concern for the overall health of the public. There is always an underlying objective for them: Making money by any means necessary.

Big Pharma isn't out to serve the public or their employers. Their main focus and objectives are geared towards investors. These are people who put money into a company anticipating a massive return. When this happens, the bottom line becomes monetary and less humane. Sell, sell, sell is their motto. As we do not live in a socialist country our health care system does not compensate for this form of business. There becomes this sort of discrepancy between those who cannot afford the proper medication and those who are out buying medication they may not even need.

The hard sell is the marketing technique this industry uses to get people to buy their drugs. It's the ideology of instilling fear. Freak out about your legs and buy some drugs. Often they use vague and uber generalized symptom descriptions in their efforts to persuade the public. It's psychological and its a shame.

I guess education is the only form of protection from such techniques.

Anyfreakinways, my legs are feelin a little restless right now. I think I'm gonna get up and holla at some ribs.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Gossip Is Better Than Sex:

And don't even front like it aint.

I mean, whyyyyy for the love of God, why do we love it so?!?!? It's a relationship impossible to break - like ones love for Chipotle, perhaps. The feeling one gets off the drama of others truly is impossible to resist, let alone recreate. Somehow, it's ingrained in the human psyche to be attracted to and appreciate anothers misfortune. As soon as one approaches with a "Tellllllll me why," the ears begin to perk, the heart begins to race, and all things that mattered previously cease to exist. Your attention becomes focused and you're more attentive than even the sharpest student in class. The scenario is always the same for Gossip transcends race, gender, social class, and even intelligence. First, someone will give you that look: perhaps a come hither stare or a piercing gaze that makes you question what's on their mind. Then, you'll make moves to a more secure location (no ones supposed to know, right?) You look over your shoulders, lower your voice and sit down. As they prepare to spill the beans, your body quivers with anticipation. "GOD! What are they going to say???? Who are they going to talk about????" Oh, how that anticipation can be the most satisfying aspect of a juicy story about to unfold. Comparable to the sexual tension between man and woman, the imminent release of the juiciest gossip can almost seem orgasmic (almost like that first kiss.) The story could be long and drawn out or short and to the point. Like sex, sometimes you are disappointed, "That's it?!?!? Thats all ya got?" or more often, confused, "Are you serious?!?!? I've definitely heard (or had) better." Other times, and I mean on rare occasions, you're incredibly blown away. For real, have you ever experienced a situation where the most juiciest of juicy Gossip befell your ears???? I'm talking about the kind that leaves you speechless? Well, aside from maybe a long and drawn out DAAAAAAAMN!!! It's quite a site to behold, to say the least.

Usually, if the juiciness continues, new information seamlessly ebbs and flows and before you know it, you're delving for more. "What else, what else?" you may hastily ask. "Well, I remember this one time," you may chime in. Or more often you'll reply, "Well, lemme just tell you about X and Y. OH! And have you heard about so and so?? So the cycle continues as does an unsuspecting night full of Orgasmic Gossip. It truly is the original O.G.

Gossip has been proven to be more addictive than...dare I say it...CRACK! Seriously. Check the studies. There is scientific evidence on the relevance of Gossip in our everyday lives. Don't believe me? Google "Gossip and Science." According to Bill Nye and whomeverthehell, Gossip tends to keep the social order and people in check. You don't want to be the one people are talking about, now do you? By keeping the status quo, minding your business, and securing the premises, you leave little room for the chitter-chatter. But in all honesty, who really lives like that?? Who would want to live like that?? Have you ever noticed that those who get "Gossiped" the most are usually those who go against the flow and do their own thing regardless of what their social scene or situation deems appropriate? We all know peeps be talking. Peeps always be talking. Hey, as a matter of fact, weren't YOU just talking?!?! Well, talk is talk and talk is cheap (unless you're the publishers of the National Inquirer, lol.) But aside from that, no one is truly immune to the vocal calamities of others. I do know one thing: there are many forms of Gossip and this is where the line is drawn between malicious and informational. But damn if that malicious Gossip aint the life force of this country. Have you read People, Us Weekly, or In Touch Magazine?!?!? ADDICTING!!

How does one get off an addiction thats juicier than even the finest steak and so much more satisfying? Ruth Chris got nothing on some good solid juicy gossip!! Maybe we should all go on a diet. An O.G. diet. Lol!! Who am I kidding?? Gossip is seriously here to stay. I don't really mind it..... well, that is, unless I'm the one being "Gossiped."